FYI

If you've been following me on social media for the past seven or so years then you at least know one of two things. The first being that I keep my "real" life separate from my "online" life.  It's not that I'm ashamed or am attempting to portray my life as one way when it's really another. In fact, my reasoning has nothing to do with me at all. Which leads me to the second, I am a very fierce Mama Bear. I will protect my children with my life and the best way for me to protect them, in this day in age, is to keep them away from social media for as long as I can. 

When I first started out on Facebook and Twitter, I posted a lot of real life things. Pictures of my family, my days doing fun mommy things etc but then I noticed that my pictures were being stolen. Pictures of my girls and that frightened me. My very biggest fear for my ladies is to be subjected to a sexual predator. You may call me over reactive but they are everywhere! In fact, someone I once knew and invited into my home turned out to be a sexual predator. The moment I found out, I freaked and it was then and there that I decided to be more vigilant. 

I love my children and just because I don't post about them online isn't an indicator of my affection. My twins are eight and excuse me while I toot my own horn here but the girls are gorgeous. All of my children are just beautiful beings and with grown ass men thinking they can "save a photo for later"  in regards to me, I wonder if others do the same but in regards to my daughters. There is one person who stands out. When the twins were younger he would save photos of the girls and I to put on a fake Facebook profile, saying how we were a family and how much he loved us. 

The shit was fucking creepy, guys. 

I wouldn't have ever known about it either if it wasn't for a mutual friend of ours who spoke up and sent me the link to the profile. So, no, I'm not a weirdo who is trying to lead a double life with multiple social media accounts but I am a weirdo who is trying to keep their children safe. If it really irks you that much that I have dual Facebooks or Instagrams then really why are we friends? 

warning-mess-with-my-babies-and-youll-be-dealing-with-7414497.png

What A Night!

Normally, Friday nights are my stay up late and game nights but last night added a bit more excitement to the day than I would have liked. After consuming half a bottle of whiskey, I thought it was a good idea to stop gaming for a bit and get some food. I went down to the nearest fast food joint and grabbed some late night munchies and returned home ready to jump in bed, chow down and pass out in all my drunken splendor. However, that did not happen. 

Literally the second my butt hit my bed I heard my eldest freaking out. When I asked her nicely to calm the fuck down and explain what is happening, she was finally able to tell me her sister was vomiting all over the living room. I honestly don't think I've ever moved so fast in my life! I hopped up, ran into the living room and my poor baby was slouched over on the couch with a stream of grossness just pouring from her mouth. Now, even those these are my children, I still get grossed out over having to clean up situations like these. 

Poor thing though. I feel so bad. She woke up this morning still feeling sick. She didn't even want breakfast, just water and if you know this kid, you know she''s much like her mama in that she loves to eat so I know she's not feeling well. Plus, she's just laying in bed looking exactly how I'm feeling, miserable. 

I'm glad it's a rainy and gloomy day so we can stay in and relax. I hate when my babies are sick, even more so when I can't do anything about it. I hope it's nothing serious though and just a super upset stomach but I'm keeping my eye out just in case. But yay for a lazy day of sleeps, snacks and snuggles. 

41.jpg

Thursday Thoughts

I hate to openly say this but I can understand how someone can be racist. With the way things are becoming in this once great nation, I can totally understand. I fucking hate it but I see it.  Reading news articles and seeing the hate for my people, it's hurtful and it makes me angry. It makes me wonder if my inner circle has been infiltrated by secret racist?! Are my white friends only acceptive of me because I'm not a stereotype? Am I that black friend they say they have when trying to prove they aren't racist? 

I'm no stranger to racism. My own mother made it her mission to remind me at every point in my life that I was black. As if I didn't realize it myself. I've always been one of only a handful of ethnic children in school, in ballet, in swimming, dance. It got to the point my mother decided to remove me from a majority white school to a majority black school because I wasn't black enough for her. Let that sink in. Not only has she referred to my children as "zebras" she's also very adamant about saying things like, "That's not OUR culture" and "Those people".

tumblr_mzgdkcyMmw1ql5yr7o1_400.gif

Not only do I get shit from my family but I get shit from people I don't even know. Going to the grocery story there are always three types of people I run into when I'm out with my family. The first are the accepting and warm eyes and smiles we receive. Those always make me happy because they are typically genuine. Second would be those who are understanding. They are normally the other interracial families and not necessarily just black/white families. I remember an older couple, white male and Asian female, they were talking about my kids and how mixed families make beautiful children. She was showing me photos of her kids and their kids who were also mixed and they were all beautiful people but I could see this lady just glaring as us. She is the third type and I swear, if she could, she would have burned us all with her lazer eyes. I mean she was visually upset and so I just smiled. I told her thank you, that her children and grandchildren were beautiful as well, and went about putting my groceries in the cart. Things like this I notice because I have trained myself to notice them. 

When I walk into a room, the very first thing I do is look around for another POC. No fucking lie,  because if something happens, I wanna know at least ONE other motherfucker has my back. Sad, but it's my reality. You'll never see me with my back to a front door. Ever. I will always sit against a wall if possible and near in exit. I am always on alert because I feel like I need to be. Now more than ever. I'm a black woman. l step out of the door and the world is already against me. 

giphy (2).gif

I'm just saying, with everything that is racially happening in the world right now, I can understand why some people are the way they are. It sucks that some of those people can't open their hearts long enough to maybe try to understand or put aside differences but that's their choice, not mine. I love those who love me. I don't care what you look like. I don't care what you do (as long as it's not too illegal). I give love and good vibes whenever I can, wherever I go and I only want people around me who do the same. 

Paula_Get_along.gif

 

 

Recharging

Yesterday was my first official "recharge" day and I absolutely LOVED it. I kept my phone in 'Do Not Disturb' mode and left it on my bedside for majority of the day while I sat with my kids and watched Youtube videos of their favourite shows, played a few games, had lunch, visited with family and then watched the sunset while strolling on the beach. 

4H0A1132_thumb.jpg

I can't tell you the last time I have laughed and smiled so much. To be around my family without the typical drama we each bring to the table was amazing. It felt just like it did when I was younger, before all the heartache and pain took over. Between my father, Dayeus, the kids and my step family, there was so much love there. The bonds I saw forming, the lessons we were each taught and the promises we each made to becoming better people, really brought me down to earth again. 

I miss the feel of family. The feeling of unity and the amount of love that is there. Sometimes we forget about what we have while we're searching for what we don't. I may not have my life together and I may be struggling financially at times but there are things that money cannot buy and I was lucky enough to be reminded of all of those things yesterday. 

fmly0334-02.png

Unplugging for a day or two isn't a bad thing. It doesn't mean I'm running away from anything. It means that I value me first. I value my mental and emotional health above all because I can't be at my best if I'm not able to think clearly or am so full of bound up emotions. I've made some serious mistakes lately and many of them I won't be able to undo but I have learned from them. I have grown from them. 

Today is a new day and I've decided to 'let go and let God' as they say. What happens, happens. What will be, will be. There is no sense of stressing myself out over situations I can't control. I'm here for the long haul, kids. I want to succeed now more than I want to breathe and I know that if I just remain focused, calm and patient, I will be rewarded in a manner that is right for me.

 

Whatever that may be.  

Happy Friday!

Wow. It's only 8am and already I have had a more eventful day than ever. Since I am without transportation at the moment, I decided to walk down to the corner store this morning to grab a few things for the day. Nothing exciting, creamer for coffee, snacks for my littles and another package of diapers. I went off on my little adventure right after I grabbed my headphones and walked my oldest kids to the bus stop. Its a gloomy day, no sun, light showers and cold, really cold. But I endured and ya know, I was actually enjoying my little walk. Until I reached the store and realized they didn't open for another 20 minutes. I stood around a bit, debating if I wanted to wait or walk further down the road to another. 

Justin Timberlake's 'Man of the Woods' released and I was deep into the album when I felt this tight grip and pull on my arm. My hoodie fell, covering half my face, I peeked out to see a guy I've never seen before squeezing my arm. I panicked, I thought he was going to snatch me up and toss me into the car waiting as he dragged me towards it. I kept looking back over my shoulder praying someone from the store was watching the cameras, someone saw me being unwillingly pulled in a direction I didn't want to go but nothing.

I was pushed against the car with one guy holding me there and another, in the car, grabbing all over my body as if he were doing a professional police search. I was terrified. I am terrified. I didn't know what they wanted. They barely said anything and it was all so fast. I'm shaken. I'm upset. I'm confused that there are people who are really just bad people. The guy in the car grabbed my bank card out my pocket and I was pushed to the ground before they took off. 

I stood there a second, broke down into tears and then headed back home. I called my children's father and sobbed uncontrollably. I stood outside the next store and just cried on the phone, pacing back and forth because I didn't want to walk home right away. I made it home, talking to him on the phone the whole way and looking over my shoulder like I wasn't walking down a busy road but some desolate highway in some strange town. The area I once knew and loved became suddenly unfamiliar. 

I was able to contact the card issuer to report my card was stolen. I'm still shaken, less sad, more angry than anything. I can't believe I let this happen. That I let some punk ass dudes take what's mine but then I look over at my sleeping babies and I realize that it could have been worse. I had full intentions on taking my almost one year old and four year old to the store with me but my gut told me not to and I am ever so thankful for that. 

The card is replaceable. The lives of my children and myself are not.

Trial & Error

Good Morning! 

Yesterday I wrote about drifting into the real world for awhile and pushing social media aside to focus on other things. That still stands but in addition to that, I'm implementing a few "New Rules" as Dua Lipa says.

First, nothing regarding the "outside world" is going to take precedence over my own home. As weird as it may seem, I quite enjoy whatever bits of silence and peace I can find when my children are sleeping or at school. Normally I start my day with coffee and games but I need to refocus my energy inward. Now, my mornings will start with coffee and reflection and preparation of the day ahead. I miss doing yoga in the mornings, I miss going to the gym, I miss cooking, I miss adventuring and being out in the world. Exploring new places and things, experiencing life at its fullest. I can't do that sitting behind a screen all day. 

Which leads me to my second "rule". I am pulling one to two days out of the week where I am unavailable. Meaning, no Instagram, no Twitter, no Facebook, no Skype, no DMs, no text messages, no phone calls. I am unplugging and refocusing my energies. I need to find balance again. I feel, off and on edge daily and I don't like that feeling. My mind is too cluttered to focus. I want to do this and that and this and that when in reality I just need to breathe, relax and take things steps by step no matter how slow the process may seem. Which  is easier said than done as an Aries. 

With my anxiety, depression and my ICD in full force, it's making for some very, very stressful times. I'm always anxious, nervous, overwhelmed and angry which leads me to find a means to soothe those feelings and mostly in ways that can be hazardous to my well being. I want to be successful, I want to be happy, I want to be less stressed but in order to accomplish those goals, I need to step back, reevaluate and then attack my goals with a clear and level head. I'm done worrying about things I can't control or that serve me no purpose. I want to fiercely go into the world with love, laughter and a big bottle of whiskey.

a61fa362e283acb2e12de573d31a6253--at-the-top-the-ojays.jpg

R.I.P

I've been so focused on creating and perfecting content that I have failed to be present in the real world and it is taking it's toll. If I fall silent, stop answering messages or am just generally unavailable, it's nothing you have done but I have become blissfully ignorant to many problems regarding real life and they need to be remedied before I put forth effort towards anything else.

Thanks for understanding. 

03.gif