Thursday Thoughts

I hate to openly say this but I can understand how someone can be racist. With the way things are becoming in this once great nation, I can totally understand. I fucking hate it but I see it.  Reading news articles and seeing the hate for my people, it's hurtful and it makes me angry. It makes me wonder if my inner circle has been infiltrated by secret racist?! Are my white friends only acceptive of me because I'm not a stereotype? Am I that black friend they say they have when trying to prove they aren't racist? 

I'm no stranger to racism. My own mother made it her mission to remind me at every point in my life that I was black. As if I didn't realize it myself. I've always been one of only a handful of ethnic children in school, in ballet, in swimming, dance. It got to the point my mother decided to remove me from a majority white school to a majority black school because I wasn't black enough for her. Let that sink in. Not only has she referred to my children as "zebras" she's also very adamant about saying things like, "That's not OUR culture" and "Those people".

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Not only do I get shit from my family but I get shit from people I don't even know. Going to the grocery story there are always three types of people I run into when I'm out with my family. The first are the accepting and warm eyes and smiles we receive. Those always make me happy because they are typically genuine. Second would be those who are understanding. They are normally the other interracial families and not necessarily just black/white families. I remember an older couple, white male and Asian female, they were talking about my kids and how mixed families make beautiful children. She was showing me photos of her kids and their kids who were also mixed and they were all beautiful people but I could see this lady just glaring as us. She is the third type and I swear, if she could, she would have burned us all with her lazer eyes. I mean she was visually upset and so I just smiled. I told her thank you, that her children and grandchildren were beautiful as well, and went about putting my groceries in the cart. Things like this I notice because I have trained myself to notice them. 

When I walk into a room, the very first thing I do is look around for another POC. No fucking lie,  because if something happens, I wanna know at least ONE other motherfucker has my back. Sad, but it's my reality. You'll never see me with my back to a front door. Ever. I will always sit against a wall if possible and near in exit. I am always on alert because I feel like I need to be. Now more than ever. I'm a black woman. l step out of the door and the world is already against me. 

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I'm just saying, with everything that is racially happening in the world right now, I can understand why some people are the way they are. It sucks that some of those people can't open their hearts long enough to maybe try to understand or put aside differences but that's their choice, not mine. I love those who love me. I don't care what you look like. I don't care what you do (as long as it's not too illegal). I give love and good vibes whenever I can, wherever I go and I only want people around me who do the same. 

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